The day that forever changed my life started like any other day. I was on vacation for a week, and it was Thursday. My daughter and I spoke the night before. We were both in challenging positions in our relationships—with her boyfriend and my marriage. My daughter and I shared a close relationship; we were more like sisters at times. We could know each other’s thoughts without speaking.
The night before, she told of her boyfriend spiraling out of control and her displeasure with her relationship. My marriage was not any better. Earlier that year, we talked about going back to when it was just two of us. We would change our names and start over, leaving the men and the emotional turmoil behind.
We ended our conversation with our usual I love you, and I love you more. Something we did that even now brings a smile to my face. Our conversation then switched to a brief text exchange. My daughter texted me, “I love you” I replied, “I love you too.” She texted that she was considering what to do, and I replied that “I hope you make the right decision for you.”
This text message would be the last exchange my daughter and I would ever have. I planned to call her the next day when my husband was not in earshot so that I could speak to her freely. She was a junior in college, and I knew she had a class in the morning, so I patiently waited to talk to her when she finished her classes for the day.
Prelude of Pain to Come
I was taking a shower when I felt the most excruciating pain in my chest. To this day, I do not know what caused the pain. All I know is that I had to crawl from the shower to the bed because I had never experienced such pain before in my life. I rested for some time until the pain subsided. My dog, who was particularly fond of my daughter, was on the bed with me at the time began to react to something unseen in my bedroom doorway.
She began pacing at the foot of my bed to the point where I became nervous and sat up in the bed. My dog came up to where I was sitting with my knees pulled up to my chest. I was in the process of asking her what was wrong when my phone rang.
The Phone Call
On my caller ID, I saw the name of my daughters’ boyfriend displayed. Immediately, I felt sick to the pit of my stomach and a sudden realization that my daughter was dead. I cannot explain how I knew before hearing the words. It was the universe speaking dread. I asked the phone, hoping against hope that my thoughts were a lie. Then he spoke those dreadful words.
If you or a loved one is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please call the national toll-free hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Help is available. Visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline suicidepreventionlifeline.org
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